From the first month of my life I was dealt the card of dealing with death. My father was suddenly killed in what was a tragic work accident on our family property. I was exactly one month old, to the day. I lost my grandmother when I was 23, then a best friend at 24 and my grandfather at 26.
I never felt like I dealt with the loss of my father (firstly) until I was around 18/19 years of age. And by deal with, I mean grieve. Something hit me. I remember feeling extreme sadness and numbness for the first time in my life. It was like I had only just realised I didn’t have my father around, which I guess is fair enough to say since from when I was one month old I didn’t have him physically present in my life. I grieved in silence. I didn’t want people to know how I was feeling, and that there were days and nights that I just cried to myself. That was showing weakness that I didn’t want people to see.
Years past by and I began to feel like I was drowning in sorrow. The loss of my grandmother was something else to try and cope with whilst already feeling miserable. When I lost my best friend I think that was breaking point. I felt as though I had hit rock bottom emotionally. I’d never felt so worthless ever. I didn’t want to get out of bed, I was tired all the time. I didn’t want to talk to any of my friends or family. Anyone who knows me well, would know that this was not like me at all. I was a fit, healthy, friendly, people person who appeared to want to live in every moment and do anything and everything. I hated being alone, and now all I wanted was to be alone.
I decided to give therapy a go. The first appointment was me telling her my life story, then the second appointment was discussing my feelings and what I could do to change them. I felt so uncomfortable with the lady. She kept asking me question I didn’t have answers to. We sat in silence for a good 5 minutes too when I couldn’t think of anything to say. Let’s just say that was the last time I saw her. I decided not too search for another one as I wasn’t financially in a position to keep trying in order to find someone I was comfortable with.
Instead I gave in and spoke up. I spoke up to my partner and then to my mother. I’m sure I broke my mum’s heart telling her this but more so in the way that I hadn’t spoken to her sooner.
To be honest it felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders. It just felt good to speak my feelings and not get answers or asked questions back. I used that as my release, just speaking my feelings. I found that helped a lot at the time.
I was then blessed with falling pregnant with my beautiful son not long after my grandfather had passed. Once my little boy entered the world it was like he eliminated any form of worry, and stress I ever had. He was what mattered to me most now.
I certainly have not forgotten about all the beautiful souls that are no longer with me, but from the birth of my son, he has taught me to look at them in positive and happy ways. Remembering the good times, rather than focusing on the loss of them. I think of them all daily, and defiantly wish they could still be here with me physically, but I also know that they are by my side everyday, which is what I treasure.
I thank these stars for giving me the gift of my sweet little boy.
Since the birth of my baby (16 months on) I have not felt a moment of how I used to feel. My heart feels full again and I am the happiest I’ve ever been in life. I look at life differently now, with so much more positivity, love, happiness. I do my best to not take things for granted. And it’s all thanks to my sweet little boy for choosing me to be his mother.
Some tips for anyone that may be feeling in a similar way, I would certainly suggest giving therapy a go. Although it didn’t work out for me, I have heard many many success stories from people that have attended therapy for various reason. But the one thing I hope you will do is SPEAK UP. Talk to someone. Whether it be family or friends (or me – I’m all ears open here), just talk to someone to express how you are feeling. For me it wasn’t about getting answers or wanting sympathy, I just needed to get it off my chest. You may be surprised at how good you feel after doing so. And keep active (harder to do than me just saying it), it will help keep your mind at rest and sends all those HAPPY endorphins racing through your body – and that is what we want. We all deserve happiness what ever situations we’ve been through.
Big hugs xx